Breastfeeding Twins: Part 1 {PUMP!}

Disclaimer: if you're my little brother, my dad, or any other male relative please stop reading. I don't really care if you keep reading, just sayin' you will feel awkward. And if you treat me weird the next time I see you, it's your fault. Not mine. And I will require you to buy me a Bahama Bucks to make up for it. {Wedding Cake + Coconut Cream Pie w/ Chocolate Cream}. 

I knew from the time I knew I was pregnant with twins that breastfeeding was going to be a bit harder than it normally would be. It was really important to me, though, to at least give it an honest go. I do believe, however, that there are enough things that will cause guilt as a new mom, and I was not about to let breastfeeding be one of them. I feel really blessed to be able to breastfeed N&G. It has become a really sweet time for us, and you can't deny the bonding that occurs because of it. I would be lying, though, if I didn't say that some days my attitude is more along the lines of "if I have to pull my shirt up one more time....I'm gonna flip." It is taxing, it is stressful, it is wonderful. The best things are.

I have a beautiful friend, though, who gave breastfeeding an honest go in the hospital and it just wasn't for them. She formula feeds her little guy exclusively and she has no issues with it. I wish more women could have her attitude. We beat ourselves up all the time for things that are either out of our control, or really won't matter in 5 years. Breastfeeding works for us. Formula feeding works for her. Let's all be kind to each other. I normally don't censor my comments, but I refuse to allow the comments on this post/series become a "Breast is best!" bashing on formula or vice versa. To each her own. And as moms, let's all just lift each other up and be kind. There are plenty of other people who will try to tell us that we're not doing enough. We don't need to be one of them.

That being said, getting enough milk for the boys was HARD at first. I was on magnesium sulfate to lower my stroke threshold at the end of my pregnant. That stuff is nasty. It makes you hotter than you've ever been and so out of it. So the first night of my boys' life, I was completely oblivious to the fact that they might need to eat. I actually didn't even see them for the next 8 hours after I met them for the first time. I beat myself up over this for a while, but seriously? Not my fault. And we're all alive and doing well now, so what's the point? Anyhow, magnesium sulfate also delays your milk from coming in for a while. Considering I was super stable emotionally after having two babies, this was probably the worst thing that could've happened to me. And then my boys landed in the NICU. And I broke down.

I am a fighter, though. Literally. One of my husband's friends was over the other week and said these exact words, "Much as I think Kristin is just great, I would really hate to be the one to tick her off." And I like that. Cam calls me "fierce." And I am. And so, after the meltdown and I could wrap my head around things, I decided to do whatever I could to help my boys get out of the NICU. And so I pumped. I pumped for 20 mintues, 10 times a day. And in the middle of the first night the boys were in the NICU, I didn't get a single drop. And I walked across the hall to just peek at my boys and I sobbed into the shoulder of my nurse Julie, because I was hopeless. She just looked at me and said, "With all that your body has gone through, it doesn't surprise me one bit. You need some sleep. Let the boys take formula for the next feeding. Start pumping again tomorrow morning, but skip the rest of your middle of the night pumpings. You can try again tomorrow. This happens to lots of women."

I was exhausted. She was right. I still sobbed into my pillow until I fell asleep. The next morning, a nurse told me they had taken my blood twice and my blood pressure twice without me even waking up. I felt much better, and I pumped and pumped and pumped. I made myself lay back and relax while I pumped and not look at what was in the bottles. I covered up with a blanket if I couldn't resist the temptation. I watched videos of my boys. I flipped through pictures of their sweet faces. And I would come out with a few drops that would go straight into syringes. It was so hard not to get discouraged. I saw other NICU moms delivering full bottles of milk. Why wasn't I getting the same? I remember thinking "why do pumps come with such big bottles? No one ever fills those up."

That afternoon, my aunt Sheri came to see the boys. They were in the NICU and she couldn't hold them. It meant a lot to me that she knew that and came anyway. I love her. We started talking about my milk and how I really just wanted to do whatever it took to get it to come in. She told me about alfalfa supplements. And she mentioned how they were not for the faint of heart. And that her husband remembered about them because they made her boobs huge. [Uncle Mike is my favorite. Hilarious.] And that sometimes they turn your milk green. I said I was up for anything because the nurses said I was still probably 48 hours away from having my milk come in.

My mom went and bought me a bottle. I took 3 pills like it said on the back. I pumped 30 minutes later. And my milk had quadrupled. 4 pumpings later and I got a full 2 oz. bottle and then some! I was giddy! And the nurses in the NICU were so excited for me. I felt like an awesome mom, and all I was doing was hooking myself up to a machine every 2 hours. I had milk coming out my ears. I had filled the NICU fridge, and they reserved a shelf in the freezer for me. I had more than enough for all of my boys' feedings by the end of the 4th day the boys were there. They told me to keep some at home and stop bringing it in. And I decided to tone it down with the alfalfa. I couldn't handle it anymore. It worked instantly and very well.

The other thing that upped my supply in a major way was "power pumping." I pumped 10 minutes on, 10 minutes off for an hour. And I couldn't figure out why one side of my pump was leaking. I re-positioned it probably 4 or 5 times before I realized I was overflowing the bottle! That was a good day.

I had to pump before feeding the boys in the morning to avoid drowning them, so to speak.

I liked pumping while I was at home because it made me feel like I was still doing something to help my boys get out of the hospital. The mother across the way from me formula fed her little boy with a bright shock of blonde hair. She liked it because she didn't have to stress. There's enough to stress about when you have a new baby. If breastfeeding is a stress and not an empowering/comforting thing, my opinion is that it's not worth it. Those early days and weeks are so precious. They should be spent enjoying your new little one(s), guilt free.

Once the boys came home, I liked knowing I had enough to feed them. My body was so well regulated from pumping that 20 minutes before they were supposed to eat, my chest would fill up. I could trust my body better than the clock in the kitchen. I got a lot of comfort in that feeling, which is why it was really distressing for me when I no longer felt that. It happened when we moved to Arizona.

[For those of you who are curious, I have used both an Ameda Purely Yours and a Medela Pump in Style. I got about 2oz. more with the Ameda Purely Yours. I bought mine for $40 used on KSL {like craigslist in Utah}. I boiled all the parts and had no issues. It works great! I love it. And it was life-saving in getting my milk back after the move.]

Scenes from the NICU

I have a sister that lives in Denver. (Hi Linds!) She has not been able to come out and meet the boys yet. She has also brought to my attention just how terrible I am at sending pictures. I also kind of fell off the map while we were in the NICU, but those 10 days deserve to be remembered.

Sunday morning after the boys were born, we had just finished the most successful breastfeeding of the past 2 days with our wonderful nurse Kimberlie. She left and I started pumping to help get my supply up when the door opens and a man I've never seen before comes in. I am completely exposed, but he doesn't leave. He then proceeds to talk down to me and tell me that my perfect, healthy, beautiful boys are being admitted to the NICU. He tells me that according to his chart they're just not doing well enough. All the while, my chest is completely bare, Cameron is in the corner with Nash unable to do anything about it, and I just keep saying "Ok." to get him to leave. If my boys need some extra help, that's fine, but do NOT talk down to me like I don't know my own children and that your "chart" will explain everything. You do not know me. You do not know my boys. He had the gall to mention how great it would be to have the boys in the NICU because if I'm "too tired" to come for a late feeding they can "just give them a bottle of formula." This being said to me after I've completely killed myself to get my milk in after 48 hours on magnesium sulfate did not go over well, to say the least.  Also, have the decency, you complete JERK to come back in 5 minutes when I've finished pumping and can cover up like EVERYONE ELSE does who accidentally comes in during that time. He finally leaves and I call my nurse, Kimberlie, in. I was NOT happy.

When Kimberlie came in, I was pretty angry. She completely understood. She had seen the pediatrician in the hallway and he mentioned to her that the boys needed to be admitted to the NICU for 12 days. She turned to him and said "Do not tell that mom 12 days. She will tear you apart." Kimberlie then went to the NICU with me and Cam to meet the boys' new nurse. She also got the boys the bed right next to the window across the hall from my room. I would be sleeping 10 feet away from them and could peek through the window at them whenever I wanted. Kimberlie was amazing.



My doctor came in and checked my blood pressure, which was still high (go figure.) Kimberlie had told him what happened with the pediatrician and the Dr. said that they needed to keep me for another day for monitoring and that they would contact my insurance to let them know there was a medical need.



In a matter of 10 minutes, I had been told that I was being discharged that day and my boys were coming home with me, that I was being discharged that day and my boys were NOT coming home with me, to I was not being discharged that day and my boys were not coming home with me.

I also requested that said JERK of a pediatrician not evaluate my boys ever again nor speak to me about their progress. The nurse asked which pediatrician. I don't even remember his name, but when Kimberlie told her, she looked at me and said "we get requests like this all the time about him. His bedside manner really sucks."

Cameron was a complete star during all this. He kept acting the part of the excited dad, which I needed. I was doing all I could to keep it together and put my brave face on. I was told the boys needed feeding tubes placed. I didn't want to be there alone when they placed them. Cameron was there. So was my brave face.



I think the boys knew that I wasn't very OK at this point too, because Gray didn't even wake up when his tube was placed and Nash calmed down as soon as he heard my voice. It's really nice to be reminded that among all the monitors and tubes and nurses, they still need me because I am their mom.

Once things settled down a bit, I got to cuddle with my boys. I was able to wrap my head around things a little bit better. We had a wonderful nurse who set clear goals and milestones to accomplish in order to get these boys home. What was going on, that I didn't understand was yes, the boys were eating well, but they were burning more calories than they were taking in at each feeding, which means they would just continue to lose weight. Especially because my milk hadn't come in yet, this would just get more and more dangerous and they would continue to lose strength until real problems started to show up. My milk was delayed even further because of that stupid magnesium sulfate and the blood transfusion that had to happen the night before. So, we weren't expecting my milk for another 3 days at the earliest.

Seeing as my milk coming in was step 1 in getting these boys home, I was up for anything to get it to come in earlier. My aunt stopped by to visit me and the boys and mentioned Alfalfa supplements. My mom and her were apparently thinking on the same wavelength because 2 hours later, my mom brought lunch and a whole bottle of Alfalfa. I took 3 capsules and the next time I pumped I had quadrupled my supply. Considering I was getting about 1 mL each time, going up to 4 mLs was a big deal. We fed the boys whatever I pumped through their feeding tubes using syringes.

The goal was to eventually get my boys to the point where they were strong enough to take 8 full feedings every 24 hours without using the tube. We started trying 1 breastfeeding in every 4 feedings. Between feedings, I would just pump like mad to try and increase supply. Adding in the Alfalfa, we were in business. My milk came in within 24 hours! Boom. (Shameless plug for Alfalfa. By the day my boys came home from the NICU, the lactation specialist looked at my pump record and said that I had somehow convinced my body that I had had 4 babies instead of 2. We are not lacking in milk over here. :))



Every evening, they would weigh the boys to make sure they were gaining weight and not burning too many calories.



When I wasn't feeding them, we were to let them get as deep of sleep as possible while still being loved on as much as possible. I liked the loving on them part.





We had to limit our visitors to 4, so we picked my parents and Cam's parents to be able to come in to the NICU with us. My dad got sick toward the end of the week though, so even he had to stay outside. They were very strict around these early babies. It was a good thing, but I think the first 2 days of the boys being considered "well babies" and being able to be held by anyone really spoiled me. Still, it was good to know the boys were being protected from as many germs as possible while they tried to get stronger.

My mom was a complete life saver during our time in the NICU. She came with me every morning (Cam went back to work so he could take a couple days off when the boys came home) and sat with me during feedings, loved on the boys, was willing to stay in the NICU Parents' Lounge overnight when we got kicked out of our hospital room (we chose to go home and get some rest instead...major breakdown involved), brought breakfast, lunch, and dinner to the hospital and coordinated meals with ward members. She listened to my freak outs and understood when the "hormones were talking" instead of me. I couldn't have made it through this time without her. The best thing she said? "They don't want to raise your children." Sometimes it's hard to remember that the doctors and nurses are not the bad guys, especially when they were the ones keeping me from bringing my boys home. Remembering the boys weren't going to be in there forever was hard sometimes. That sentence "They don't want to raise your children." brought me a lot of peace.

Once the boys got stronger, we got to do more for them. Change diapers, do baths, change monitors, take temperatures, etc. Our favorite bath time was with our nurse Kaye. She was so fun with our boys. Posing them, oohing over them, she was as excited as we were.

I started learning my boys' quirks more and more and learned so many tricks to help them wake up and focus on eating. Gray had a hard time remembering how to use his tongue, so we would practice with my pinky before eating every time. Nash hated being looked at while he ate, so he started putting his arm over his face. The next time he stalled out at 7 minutes and refused to eat any more, I put his arm over his face and he finished the feeding. He cracks me up. Gray has started to do the same. It makes me laugh that my boys "keep me modest."

Once they got 25% of their feedings down, we moved up to 50% of their feedings. Gray did great. Nash did not. And the nurse started talking to us about what to do if Nash couldn't keep up. They would have to send Gray home if he was ready. Cameron gave Nash a blessing to help him have the strength to eat and be able to come home with Gray. Nash didn't miss another feeding.

One morning, the doctor called to update me on their progress. (He usually came by before I arrived at the hospital.) He said "if both boys do all 8 feedings today, they can go home tomorrow." I was bound and determined to make that happen. I laid my head down next to my boys and gave them a pep talk. I let them know that if they did their very best today we could get rid of all the wires and tubes and could go home. No sooner had I stood back up that Nash ripped his feeding tube out of his face.

At the next feeding, Gray ate like such a maniac that the sounds made me laugh right out loud. I sent the following text to Cam:

"Gave the boys a pep talk. They're wrapped in OUR blankets, dressed in OUR clothes, Nash ripped his feeding tube out and Gray is eating like a maniac. We've all got our war guns blazin' today!"

next text:

"My mom is threatening to pull Gray's feeding tube out and making it look like an accident..."

Moms are the best. :)

We were bustin' out of the hospital! I was so done being there, my boys were so done being there, I know my mom was so done being there, though she'd never say so. The boys took 3 straight feedings beautifully. On the 4th feeding, Nash BARELY scraped by. And I was nervous. Between the 4th and 5th feeding, I needed to decide whether I was going to stay at the hospital that night to do the remaining feedings or if the nurse would just give them bottles of breastmilk. I desperately needed rest, but I really needed to know the nurse was going to give my boys a fair shot and not give up on them. We needed to be home! Cam and I went upstairs to pray about it and decided to wait and see how Nash did during the 5th feeding and let that determine if I stayed there or not.

Nash downed the 5th feeding like a champ.

I went home and got some great sleep.

The next morning, we got a phone call from our nurse, Paula. "The boys have been cleared and can go home whenever you get here!"

20 minutes later we were on our way.

The boys could wear pants for the first time because all their monitors were finally off and we had double the cheeks to kiss! So glad to have those feeding tubes out.

OUTSIDE the NICU. :)

On the way home, we stopped at our chiropractor so everyone could get adjusted. It felt so great to lay on my stomach and feel balanced again! The boys did great, and I will say that since then they're eating and sleeping even better than they did. I'm sure being out of the hospital is playing a major factor here too, but I know the adjustment is largely responsible for that. At their follow-up appointment the next day, they had both gained over 3 oz.!

When we got home, we had a great feeding and cut the hospital bands off.

We're so glad to all be in the same place! It was 100% worth the wait, though. Our boys couldn't be doing better. We are just crazy about them.

Thank you for all your prayers and support (and yummy food!) during this time.

Also, Jerky Pediatrician, my boys were in the NICU for 9.5 days. Not 12. Put that on your chart.