1 Month Old

Gray Left, Nash Right

My sweet boys are a month old already! How did that happen? I feel like just yesterday I was in the hospital for monitoring. If the rest of their childhood goes this fast, I better start writing things down. I've learned that's the only way to keep myself from panicking about life passing me by.

I've seen a lot of cute things done with monthly updates, numbered onesies, cute photos, etc. I've been told that I'm the kind of person people expect that sort of thing from. However, I have no idea what I would do with pictures like that in the long run. I don't want to stress myself out every month trying to get these boys to cooperate and they tend to look darn cute with minimal effort on my part, so long as I don't mess with them too much. It's when I try to complicate things that everyone gets stressed and sad.

I did have the realization though that we will probably celebrate the 9th of every month for the next year, just like we celebrated the 2nd of every month for the first year of our marriage. This month, we took the boys to meet the wonderful people at the fertility clinic where everything started. Dr. Foulk and his staff are incredible. I'm so grateful for them and the friendships and blessings that have come from that relationship.

This month has been full of cuddles, spit up, smiles, cute faces, thousands of kisses and laughter.

Favorites from this month:

1. Cam was changing Nash's diaper when Nash projectile pooped on him. Cam put his hand down to block it and immediately Nash started peeing. Completely exasperated, Cam just starts laughing and says "...Stop! Stop it!"


2. At one point, Gray was pooping, peeing, hiccuping, burping, and spitting up simultaneously. Poor guy just looked up at me with each hiccup as if to ask "what is going on, mom?"


3. I feed the boys at the same time, most of the time. Gray likes to touch Nash while they eat. Nash doesn't like to be touched while he eats. It's pretty entertaining.


4. The boys make some seriously great faces after they eat. Eye-rolling contentment and huge smiles. It's wonderful. I know those smiles are just gas smiles, but they make me melt.


5. We've figured out bathtime. The kitchen sink is where it's at. The boys love the warm water and calm right down. It sure helps them sleep better at night, too.


6. Nash was fussy one night after the 3am feeding. I rocked him for about a half hour until he fell asleep, which I've never had to do before, but I really loved it (for the first bit). This morning, Gray just needed some cuddle time before the day started. We hit the rocking chair for a few minutes and enjoyed the quiet. I love being a mom. I love being their mom.


7. We've really enjoyed taking the boys out for walks. They generally sleep through the entire thing, but yesterday they were so content in the sunshine, just looking around at everything.


8. They sleep really well right now. We put them down to bed at 8 or 8:30 and go back up to feed them at 10:30. Every time I walk through the bedroom door at 10:30, my heart just soars because they're still there. They are our boys. They get to stay with us forever. This is a dream come true in every sense of the word.


9. I generally try to tackle the middle of the night feedings on my own because Cam has to get up super early and go off to work every morning. I have the option of sleeping in so long as the boys cooperate. He doesn't. Sometimes, though, I really need his help. (Tandem nursing is tricky...) Cameron is pretty groggy when that happens. This results in some pretty great conversations. (Cam: Don't worry. I packed their bags. Me: Oh? Where are they going? Cam: The Dark Side.)


10. Gray is a very voracious eater. Once he figures out it's time to eat, he gets so dang excited. Noises, stretching, arms flailing. It's quite a production. Nash generally just latches and goes. When Gray starts "being Gray", Nash will stop eating and just watch him with an expression on his face that says "What is your issue, dude?" It cracks me up every single time.


11. Gray spit up in Nash's ear.


12. We read a page out of the Book of Mormon board book every night for our family scripture study. One night we read the story of Nephi building the boat and talked about how we're going on a boat this summer at Lake Powell and we will be on the houseboat with all of our family, just like Nephi took his family. Last night we read about King Benjamin and how sleeping is helping Mom and Dad and makes Heavenly Father happy.


13. Praying for our sons by name.


14. The first night we were home, Cameron wasn't used to all the little noises the boys make in their sleep. For the first 3 hours, Cameron probably asked me "what's wrong with them??" 15 times. We got him some ear plugs. He only had to wear them for 2 days.


15. General Conference. Cam and Nash on one couch. Gray and Me on the other. Pure contentment.

So, happy 1 month gentlemen! You sure are handsome.

 

The Nursery

We did manage to finish the nursery before our boys made their early arrival. I am too thrilled with how it turned out. I remember when the idea hit me for what I wanted to do in this room. It was the absolute middle of the night and I had just gone to the bathroom for probably the 4th time since we went to bed. I had been thinking a lot about how to raise two righteous young men in today's world. All that kept running through my mind was "start now." Start now teaching them how to treat women. Start now teaching them to study the scriptures. Start now teaching them about missions. Start now.

I came back from the bathroom and woke Cameron up.

"I know what we're going to do for the nursery."

"Seriously, Kristin?"

I was too excited. Inspiration had struck and I needed to share it with him.

"We'll theme it around 'I'll go where you want me to go'. Vehicles, maps, travel, etc. It's perfect."

Needless to say, Cameron was much more excited to talk about this once the sun came up.

The biggest shot of the room I could get. The view going the other direction isn't very pretty at this point. I'm still waiting for the boys to get a bit bigger so we can take a picture of the boys in these cute hats my sister made for them and blow it up for the wall over the cribs. Until then, it's just big and blank.

That gorgeous changing table was built from scratch by my very own handyman husband. (Affectionately named "Handy Cammy" by my sisters.)

It was truly a labor of love. He designed it, built it, and stained it all on his own. It is perfection and I couldn't be more in love with it. The right hand cabinet fits our hamper perfectly. The top drawer has diapers and wipes. Middle drawer holds all the cloth diapers I made until the boys fit them. The left cabinet is stocked with diapers and wipes from our baby shower. I feel so prepared. And once the boys are grown, it will make a beautiful console for elsewhere in our home.

I had a blast designing the prints above the table. The large one says "I'll go where you want me to go" on a background of a subway map.

The heart print on the bottom right includes maps of where all the men in our immediate family served their missions. I love that our boys have so many good examples to look up to!

The clocks mark the minute our boys entered the world. On the far right you can see a shadowbox with two missionary tags that say "Elder Call" on them, from Cameron and his dad's missions. Eventually that engagement picture on the far left will be replaced with a cute newborn picture as well.

I love the artwork above the rocking chair. My mom gave me a puzzle last Christmas of the US made up of license plates. I'd done it 3 or 4 times already and knew it would be just perfect for the nursery. Cam found a piece of wood at work, we put the puzzle together, he stained the wood with leftover stain from the changing table and adhered the glued together puzzle to it. Bammo, artwork for $0.

The curtains are actually two sheets we bought from DI. Cam cut them into strips and I sewed them back together. Each sheet cost $2. Curtains for $4. And they block out the sun pretty darn well.

I love this little pillow. I really wanted to include a tandem bike somewhere in the room. Two seats for two boys. I love that. And it only took about 10 minutes to make with my silhouette.

This "dresser" was really a great solution as well. Cam found it outside his work and asked if he could have it. Apparently it had been there for years. We cleaned it up and gave it a fresh coat of paint. Lucky enough, target carried bins for $6 that fit perfectly.

This clock is one of my favorites. We found it at RC Willey for $16 on clearance after a $25 giftcard we got from unsubscribing from their mailing list. Who knew?

I couldn't be happier with how this all turned out. The idea of "start now" causes me to act a little differently. I know sometimes it feels weird to read a Book of Mormon board book to 2 week old babies, but starting now means the habits are being formed both in us as parents and in them. It sometimes feels weird to plan a FHE when the boys aren't even old enough to focus their eyes on us or react to our facial expressions, but we're starting now to develop a pattern of consistency and a priority on family time.

It's not much, but it's a start.

 

Full Circle

A while ago, I posted this. And so many of you showed your support by sending in a square of fabric and a sweet note to our little family, before our boys were even on the radar. The notes were very well timed.

My mom and I laid out the quilt top while I was on bedrest during our IVF cycle.

My sister finished the quilt just in time for my baby shower.



The quilt hung in our hospital room when our boys were admitted to the NICU.

And now, the quilt is doing what it was always intended to do. Wrap up my sweet boys and cuddle them close.

So thank you for all of your support. All the prayers, notes, meals, tears, kindness we've received over the past few years means so much to us.

Here's to answered prayers.

 

Conference Saturday

This morning, we woke up the boys at 7. Fed them as quick as possible (they were TIRED!) and left for the pediatrician's office. My poor boys didn't know what was about to hit them, but it was time to be circumcised... ouch.

I've never heard them cry like that.

Hard as it was, I loved being able to calm them down. It made me feel like a Mother. Diaper changes and getting up in the middle of the night and snapping pictures of these cute boys make me feel like a Mom. Really soothing my little ones and knowing how much they need me? That makes me feel like a Mother.

The traumatic experience helped them learn how to hold on to my hand pretty quickly. They used to hold my finger every now and again, but now both of them hold on tight. I love that they know me.

We drove around for about 45 minutes after the appointment to help them get to sleep, which resulted in stopping to pick up smoothies and croissant sandwiches for breakfast. After we got home, conference was about to start so Cam and I each cuddled a boy and hit the couch. All the crying has completely exhausted my poor boys. We've had to spend at least 20 minutes waking them up for each feeding and then a time or two during the feeding we have to wake them up again.

The first session of conference was incredible. I'm sure the second was too, but all 4 of us were knocked out for it. Deep, blissful sleep. Everyone touching another member of the family.

Our little family.

Lots of love in this little living room of ours.

On another happy note, I really struggle to find anything on these boys that looks like me. My sister mentioned the day they were born that Gray had my little toe. I know that sounds silly, but my pinky toe curls under itself completely, like an eagle claw. I finally noticed it again today. Little Gray has my claw toe! Makes me so happy. Also, makes me happy that I can actually prove to my mom that it is, in fact, genetic, and that I didn't just wear too small of shoes all growing up.

Scenes from the NICU

I have a sister that lives in Denver. (Hi Linds!) She has not been able to come out and meet the boys yet. She has also brought to my attention just how terrible I am at sending pictures. I also kind of fell off the map while we were in the NICU, but those 10 days deserve to be remembered.

Sunday morning after the boys were born, we had just finished the most successful breastfeeding of the past 2 days with our wonderful nurse Kimberlie. She left and I started pumping to help get my supply up when the door opens and a man I've never seen before comes in. I am completely exposed, but he doesn't leave. He then proceeds to talk down to me and tell me that my perfect, healthy, beautiful boys are being admitted to the NICU. He tells me that according to his chart they're just not doing well enough. All the while, my chest is completely bare, Cameron is in the corner with Nash unable to do anything about it, and I just keep saying "Ok." to get him to leave. If my boys need some extra help, that's fine, but do NOT talk down to me like I don't know my own children and that your "chart" will explain everything. You do not know me. You do not know my boys. He had the gall to mention how great it would be to have the boys in the NICU because if I'm "too tired" to come for a late feeding they can "just give them a bottle of formula." This being said to me after I've completely killed myself to get my milk in after 48 hours on magnesium sulfate did not go over well, to say the least.  Also, have the decency, you complete JERK to come back in 5 minutes when I've finished pumping and can cover up like EVERYONE ELSE does who accidentally comes in during that time. He finally leaves and I call my nurse, Kimberlie, in. I was NOT happy.

When Kimberlie came in, I was pretty angry. She completely understood. She had seen the pediatrician in the hallway and he mentioned to her that the boys needed to be admitted to the NICU for 12 days. She turned to him and said "Do not tell that mom 12 days. She will tear you apart." Kimberlie then went to the NICU with me and Cam to meet the boys' new nurse. She also got the boys the bed right next to the window across the hall from my room. I would be sleeping 10 feet away from them and could peek through the window at them whenever I wanted. Kimberlie was amazing.



My doctor came in and checked my blood pressure, which was still high (go figure.) Kimberlie had told him what happened with the pediatrician and the Dr. said that they needed to keep me for another day for monitoring and that they would contact my insurance to let them know there was a medical need.



In a matter of 10 minutes, I had been told that I was being discharged that day and my boys were coming home with me, that I was being discharged that day and my boys were NOT coming home with me, to I was not being discharged that day and my boys were not coming home with me.

I also requested that said JERK of a pediatrician not evaluate my boys ever again nor speak to me about their progress. The nurse asked which pediatrician. I don't even remember his name, but when Kimberlie told her, she looked at me and said "we get requests like this all the time about him. His bedside manner really sucks."

Cameron was a complete star during all this. He kept acting the part of the excited dad, which I needed. I was doing all I could to keep it together and put my brave face on. I was told the boys needed feeding tubes placed. I didn't want to be there alone when they placed them. Cameron was there. So was my brave face.



I think the boys knew that I wasn't very OK at this point too, because Gray didn't even wake up when his tube was placed and Nash calmed down as soon as he heard my voice. It's really nice to be reminded that among all the monitors and tubes and nurses, they still need me because I am their mom.

Once things settled down a bit, I got to cuddle with my boys. I was able to wrap my head around things a little bit better. We had a wonderful nurse who set clear goals and milestones to accomplish in order to get these boys home. What was going on, that I didn't understand was yes, the boys were eating well, but they were burning more calories than they were taking in at each feeding, which means they would just continue to lose weight. Especially because my milk hadn't come in yet, this would just get more and more dangerous and they would continue to lose strength until real problems started to show up. My milk was delayed even further because of that stupid magnesium sulfate and the blood transfusion that had to happen the night before. So, we weren't expecting my milk for another 3 days at the earliest.

Seeing as my milk coming in was step 1 in getting these boys home, I was up for anything to get it to come in earlier. My aunt stopped by to visit me and the boys and mentioned Alfalfa supplements. My mom and her were apparently thinking on the same wavelength because 2 hours later, my mom brought lunch and a whole bottle of Alfalfa. I took 3 capsules and the next time I pumped I had quadrupled my supply. Considering I was getting about 1 mL each time, going up to 4 mLs was a big deal. We fed the boys whatever I pumped through their feeding tubes using syringes.

The goal was to eventually get my boys to the point where they were strong enough to take 8 full feedings every 24 hours without using the tube. We started trying 1 breastfeeding in every 4 feedings. Between feedings, I would just pump like mad to try and increase supply. Adding in the Alfalfa, we were in business. My milk came in within 24 hours! Boom. (Shameless plug for Alfalfa. By the day my boys came home from the NICU, the lactation specialist looked at my pump record and said that I had somehow convinced my body that I had had 4 babies instead of 2. We are not lacking in milk over here. :))



Every evening, they would weigh the boys to make sure they were gaining weight and not burning too many calories.



When I wasn't feeding them, we were to let them get as deep of sleep as possible while still being loved on as much as possible. I liked the loving on them part.





We had to limit our visitors to 4, so we picked my parents and Cam's parents to be able to come in to the NICU with us. My dad got sick toward the end of the week though, so even he had to stay outside. They were very strict around these early babies. It was a good thing, but I think the first 2 days of the boys being considered "well babies" and being able to be held by anyone really spoiled me. Still, it was good to know the boys were being protected from as many germs as possible while they tried to get stronger.

My mom was a complete life saver during our time in the NICU. She came with me every morning (Cam went back to work so he could take a couple days off when the boys came home) and sat with me during feedings, loved on the boys, was willing to stay in the NICU Parents' Lounge overnight when we got kicked out of our hospital room (we chose to go home and get some rest instead...major breakdown involved), brought breakfast, lunch, and dinner to the hospital and coordinated meals with ward members. She listened to my freak outs and understood when the "hormones were talking" instead of me. I couldn't have made it through this time without her. The best thing she said? "They don't want to raise your children." Sometimes it's hard to remember that the doctors and nurses are not the bad guys, especially when they were the ones keeping me from bringing my boys home. Remembering the boys weren't going to be in there forever was hard sometimes. That sentence "They don't want to raise your children." brought me a lot of peace.

Once the boys got stronger, we got to do more for them. Change diapers, do baths, change monitors, take temperatures, etc. Our favorite bath time was with our nurse Kaye. She was so fun with our boys. Posing them, oohing over them, she was as excited as we were.

I started learning my boys' quirks more and more and learned so many tricks to help them wake up and focus on eating. Gray had a hard time remembering how to use his tongue, so we would practice with my pinky before eating every time. Nash hated being looked at while he ate, so he started putting his arm over his face. The next time he stalled out at 7 minutes and refused to eat any more, I put his arm over his face and he finished the feeding. He cracks me up. Gray has started to do the same. It makes me laugh that my boys "keep me modest."

Once they got 25% of their feedings down, we moved up to 50% of their feedings. Gray did great. Nash did not. And the nurse started talking to us about what to do if Nash couldn't keep up. They would have to send Gray home if he was ready. Cameron gave Nash a blessing to help him have the strength to eat and be able to come home with Gray. Nash didn't miss another feeding.

One morning, the doctor called to update me on their progress. (He usually came by before I arrived at the hospital.) He said "if both boys do all 8 feedings today, they can go home tomorrow." I was bound and determined to make that happen. I laid my head down next to my boys and gave them a pep talk. I let them know that if they did their very best today we could get rid of all the wires and tubes and could go home. No sooner had I stood back up that Nash ripped his feeding tube out of his face.

At the next feeding, Gray ate like such a maniac that the sounds made me laugh right out loud. I sent the following text to Cam:

"Gave the boys a pep talk. They're wrapped in OUR blankets, dressed in OUR clothes, Nash ripped his feeding tube out and Gray is eating like a maniac. We've all got our war guns blazin' today!"

next text:

"My mom is threatening to pull Gray's feeding tube out and making it look like an accident..."

Moms are the best. :)

We were bustin' out of the hospital! I was so done being there, my boys were so done being there, I know my mom was so done being there, though she'd never say so. The boys took 3 straight feedings beautifully. On the 4th feeding, Nash BARELY scraped by. And I was nervous. Between the 4th and 5th feeding, I needed to decide whether I was going to stay at the hospital that night to do the remaining feedings or if the nurse would just give them bottles of breastmilk. I desperately needed rest, but I really needed to know the nurse was going to give my boys a fair shot and not give up on them. We needed to be home! Cam and I went upstairs to pray about it and decided to wait and see how Nash did during the 5th feeding and let that determine if I stayed there or not.

Nash downed the 5th feeding like a champ.

I went home and got some great sleep.

The next morning, we got a phone call from our nurse, Paula. "The boys have been cleared and can go home whenever you get here!"

20 minutes later we were on our way.

The boys could wear pants for the first time because all their monitors were finally off and we had double the cheeks to kiss! So glad to have those feeding tubes out.

OUTSIDE the NICU. :)

On the way home, we stopped at our chiropractor so everyone could get adjusted. It felt so great to lay on my stomach and feel balanced again! The boys did great, and I will say that since then they're eating and sleeping even better than they did. I'm sure being out of the hospital is playing a major factor here too, but I know the adjustment is largely responsible for that. At their follow-up appointment the next day, they had both gained over 3 oz.!

When we got home, we had a great feeding and cut the hospital bands off.

We're so glad to all be in the same place! It was 100% worth the wait, though. Our boys couldn't be doing better. We are just crazy about them.

Thank you for all your prayers and support (and yummy food!) during this time.

Also, Jerky Pediatrician, my boys were in the NICU for 9.5 days. Not 12. Put that on your chart.