Monday, November 18, 2013


Things just get better and better with Nash and Granger. They really are sweet. We have our tough times and struggles with learning new things, but there are so many fun new developments that seem to happen every day.

Today was rough. I really overdid it this weekend. I am at the stage where I can forget I'm pregnant. I'm not really sick anymore, I'm not very big. I'm feeling great! We went to the city lights downtown on Saturday. There was so much to see and we walked a ton. It was a blast. And just the family time we needed. Sunday, we got up and went to church early. Afterward, Cam and I made some yummy mexican food and he knocked out for a nap. I was reading a fantastic book and should have taken a nap but I didn't. Cam never takes a nap so when the boys started to stir, I went upstairs as fast as I could to try to let him sleep a little longer. It lasted for a good 45 more minutes! I was so grateful he got the sleep that he needed. After that, though, we had a quick dinner and I headed off to Stake Choir practice. Which lasted 3 hours. Ouch. I was so light-headed and sore afterward! Not to mention exhausted. We went right to bed after I got home, but I still didn't get enough rest.

Cam left for school at 5:15 like he always does, kissed me on the forehead on his way out the door. And 7:15 came far too quickly. I heard the boys. And I couldn't move. I could. not. open. my. eyes. Somehow I managed to get up and crack their door a bit so they could get out and hopefully play in the playroom. I snuck back into bed before they got their door open. It didn't last. I heard them make their way downstairs and I just prayed they didn't destroy the entire house. They came knocking on my door around 8 and I let them in, hoping they'd want to snuggle in bed for a while. Not a chance. They were both super poopy. I rallied and got them in the tub. I laid down where I could hear them well enough to not worry. It lasted 30 minutes due to a few squirts of dad's body wash to make some bubbles. They always smell pretty dreamy after a manly bubble bath.

I got up and got them dressed and managed to get them breakfast. Luckily, we had breakfast for dinner a night or two ago and had some leftover sweet potato/bacon hash. Unfortunately, I wasn't quick enough getting something in my own mouth and I puked up every last molecule that happened to be in my stomach. Ouch. They downed their milk and I made myself a quick protein shake. Anything for some energy! [Shortly after this, Nash gagged himself trying to be funny and actually threw up on the floor. Awesome.]

I let them play in the backyard afterward. 30 minutes again. We tried to play in the playroom. And by played, I mean I laid face-down on Cam's adjusting table and tried to convince the boys to adjust me. Which they actually love, but weren't very interested in today. 30 minutes again. We watched Handy Manny. Another 30 minutes. By now, it was only 11, and I was completely out of ideas and energy.

I finally got the mommy guilt off my back and decided today was a survival mode day. The quickest way to keep my bored boys from whining is to feed them. I popped a bowl of popcorn, put on the Veggie Tales Christmas special and sat between them on the couch. 45 sweet minutes of quiet and cuddling and kissing their soft heads. Even when I'm exhausted, I love being near them. Though I was grateful to the point of tears that they were finally sitting still.

The rest gave me enough oomph to get them some peanut butter sandwiches and cheese sticks for lunch and change their diapers for naptime. And then I crashed on the couch. It only took 30 minutes of deep, drooling sleep to feel human again. I woke up to creaking floorboards upstairs. They were awake again. It had only been a little over an hour since I put them down! Augh! Not today! I decided to give them 10 minutes because they weren't upset. And they went back to sleep. What a tender mercy.

90 minutes later, everyone was much happier. I went upstairs, got them out, and this time we really played in the playroom. Nash surprised me by pulling out this track we normally keep under the chair and grabbing his truck to drive on it. I found a dinosaur and another truck for Gray. This was the first time they put together that people drive the trucks and they had to have their little person in the driver's seat. One was the ever popular Hawaiian girl on her cell phone. The other was a construction worker. I played the part of the dinosaur. The boys would try to drive around the track without getting caught by the dinosaur. I would roar at them and chomp their car with the dinosaur and they would squeal and grab their car and run away. But they always came back for more.

Playing pretend is the best.

Oh, you boys. I've got a crush on you.

Thursday, November 7, 2013

You're mocking me, aren't you?

One of my favorite things is watching the boys responding to the changes pregnancy brings. And I really am grateful they are able to find humor in all this, especially since for about 4 weeks, I was face down on the couch trying to keep it together and praying they didn't completely destroy everything.

They are pretty perceptive, though! Around 8 weeks, they noticed that the kitchen made me sick. Every time I went in the kitchen I gagged. I would take a few deep breaths, go in, get milk or breakfast or whatever for the boys as quick as I could, gag a few times, and get out. One morning, I was psyching up to get them milk and breakfast and I caught them running into the kitchen, making gagging noises, running out and just laughing their little heads off. Like throw your head back laughing.

Gray is also very interested in the baby in mom's belly. Every night, Nash says "bye guys!" as Cam and I tuck them in and shut the door. Gray says "bye baby!" He also likes pulling up my shirt to poke the baby. Which I also think he thinks is my belly button. Same same.

We love seeing pictures of other babies on Instagram. Any kid younger than them or smaller than them is considered a baby. Our favorites are cousin Charly and cousin Kenzee. [Em, I'm not sure how Kenzee got looped into the "smaller than them" category, but "Baby Ehnee!" is a fave.]

They are learning how to give loves right now. We don't really have a lot of stuffed animals and we have absolutely zero baby dolls, but we have an Ernie from sesame street, a puppy from some chiropractic school friends, and the monkey leashes. I love watching them cuddle and squeeze them. They always lay their heads down on top of whatever they are loving. Sweet boys.

Monday, November 4, 2013

The Details

A couple days ago, we posted this:

And we are overwhelmed by the support and well-wishes of so many of our friends. First off, let's talk about those darling boys. My heavens they are handsome. And a major thank you to Jill Witt Photography for capturing this precious day for us.

We took these family photos the morning of the frozen embryo transfer. I was anxious, nervous, distracted. I couldn't stop thinking about that little embryo. I was terrified it wouldn't survive the thaw. These pictures. That morning. It re-focused me on the reason we do every shot, take every pill, pay every cent. Our sweet family. And I lost track of time during that photo shoot. Time finally stopped mattering to me so much. I had been counting the days, hours, minutes. And it stopped. I'm so grateful that the last few hours we were a family of four are captured in such a beautiful way.

And then there's this guy.

If I knew how to communicate just how much confidence he gives me, I would write out every word. But this picture seems to do that. It makes me cry every time. I am so grateful for him. And to be able to see our relationship on such an important day, this picture is such a gift.

Just under 3 years ago when we did IVF to get pregnant with the boys, we had one little precious embryo left. That embryo was frozen at 5 days old. And that embryo was on my mind ever since. I know the boys are young. And oh, I cherish them. I have had fears that I won't be able to devote the time and attention they need and deserve as we bring this new little one into our family. But, this baby is also my baby. Our baby. And I cannot imagine how difficult it probably was to hear "not yet" when his/her mortal body had already started its creation. As this baby is my child, patience is not a strong point. And one day I just knew it was time. It was time for that baby to know (s)he had not been forgotten. Could never be forgotten. Not for a moment.

After that day, we moved forward with a frozen cycle. Again, pieces fell into place. A minivan showed up on craigslist the next week with low miles that we could pay cash for. We sold our truck for the exact amount of the frozen transfer. A friend had a great recommendation for a clinic here in Dallas that could do our blood work and ultrasound monitoring.

And that's when the adversary decided to pick up his game. Every. Single. Step. Forward. got messed up somehow. The pharmacy sent the wrong size syringes, so my first shot had to be postponed after we almost injected over 10x the prescribed amount of Estradiol. The clinic here in Dallas didn't get my results to the clinic in Utah correctly. We started our big progesterone shots a day late. I left my suppositories in Dallas after we flew to Utah for the transfer. Even just getting on the flight to Utah was a circus. We had to postpone the transfer a day due to medication mix-ups.

Every one of those medications is vital to keeping our little one alive and growing. And something went wrong with every single one of them. To say my faith was tried is an understatement.

So after all those beautiful family pictures, when reality sunk back in...this is what I looked like:

I accidentally left my "eventually" bracelet at home. I wear it religiously to anything family related as a symbol of optimistic faith. And I forgot it. Add that to the list of things that went wrong. [Sidenote: while unpacking our suitcase, I found out it did actually make the trip to Utah and I just forgot where I put it...] In a panic that morning, I scrawled eventually on my wrist anyway. I needed that strength and that symbol of faith with me, no matter how meager.

And then the nurse brought me a valium. 

The transfer took about 5 minutes. Cameron gave me a blessing. We enjoyed the quiet room for a half hour, just talking about everything and soaking up the possibility of this new little one. 

And then we went home to bed rest. Not being able to pick up the boys was by far the hardest part. I am so grateful my parents were there and that we were staying at Jessica's house. I don't know what I would've done without 4 adults to keep me from getting up and to help keep the boys from jumping on me! 

 I sure loved getting to snuggle with them though. I missed them!

We spent a week with Emilee and Adam and then flew back to Texas where Cam's parents were waiting for us. I was really grateful for the distraction. They spoiled the boys completely and it did my heart good to see them so happy and to see Cameron so happy. When the people I love are happy, I need nothing else. 

Monday, September 9th was Cameron's first day of school. His parents were still here. I sent him off to school and tried to go back to bed, but at 9am, I would be at the clinic getting my blood drawn and then anxiously awaiting the phone call that would tell us whether or not a new little one would be coming to our family. I couldn't go back to sleep. 

Cam's parents watched the boys. I went to the clinic. Armed this time. 

The rest of the day was a blur of trying to keep myself busy and my mind off of things. I browsed Old Navy for a while trying to convince myself I could buy a baby sleeper to celebrate. I text message shopped with my Jill for about an hour. And then decided I couldn't jinx it. I left the sleeper at the store. I was a nervous wreck. 

I came home, went out again to buy the sleeper, turned around again after talking with my mom and tried to take a nap while the boys and Cam's parents slept. I slept for about an hour. And then my phone rang. 

It was the Dallas clinic. I didn't answer. They weren't supposed to give me the results. I didn't want to hear it from them. Ten minutes later, the Utah clinic called. I didn't answer. We had arranged for them to leave the result in a voicemail so I could listen to it with Cameron. 

I kept that voicemail on my phone for 3 solid hours without checking it. In the meantime, Jill texted me Friends quotes and Lindsay talked to me about who knows what for at least an hour. And I didn't check that voicemail. 

We met Cameron down at the school at 4:30. He didn't know I didn't know yet. He didn't know we would find out together. 

We found a quiet hallway. He held my hand and wrapped me up in his arms. I pressed play. 

Hello, little one. We can't wait to meet you!


- I am just over 12 weeks.
- I was SUPER sick. Way sicker than I was with the boys. My midwife [and everyone else I mention that to] is pretty near convinced it's a girl. We will be thrilled with either. But my mama intuition is leaning toward girl as well. Talk about jinxing it. :)
- The sickness ended after Halloween night. Hallelujah. I had been losing weight [still not really gaining it back yet.] and my midwife said if I lost another pound I would be headed toward an IV. Hopefully, we're headed the other direction soon!
- I'm due May 19th.