Friday, November 2, 2012

Never Trust a Woman in a Corset

Hate is a strong word. I get that. I mean it. I hate Halloween. I don't like scary Halloween. I don't like gross things. I don't like food that resembles body parts. Normally, though, I can get past it, dress up and have a good time. This Halloween, we ended up pulled over in a side street with me having a total breakdown. Let's rewind a few hours and I'll explain.

Originally, our little family was going to go as Despicable Me characters. Cam would be Gru, I was going to be Vector [complete with a bowl cut. awesome.] and the boys were to be minions. Well, they don't make hoodies small enough for the boys in bright yellow. We looked everywhere. So we opted out of that idea and during a stroke of genius in the kitchen, we decided we would be the judges from The Voice. 3 guys, 1 girl it was perfect! We made a list of everything we needed and set about finding them for cheap.

We really had no money to spend on costumes this year, so I decided to go as Christina during her dark hair days. [If you don't remember the dark hair days...she was exceptionally trashy. awesome.] For Cam's costume, we drew tattoos on a pair of nylons and he wore them over his arms. Then, he pretty much wore what he always wears. Cam's pretty stylish anyway. It worked great.

I spent the greater part of Friday pulling together the costumes. We found Nash a perfect plaid shirt, black vest, and long dark pants for Blake. He looked super suave and oh so charming.

Gray being Ceelo was the hardest part for me. The only look of Ceelo's I could get into my head was the all white ensemble complete with a white baseball cap. I spent 3 hours trying to make him a white baseball cap. I picked it apart 3 times and tried again when it just didn't fit right. I was losing my mind. Seriously. Just in case you were wondering if it's possible to make a baseball cap out of a cereal box, an old dress shirt and a hair's not. I had reached a new low. I was laughing so hard at myself. It's one of those times where you just step back and ask "what the heck was I thinking?" I couldn't keep it together. I'm still laughing. I tried to call my mom, because it is her gene that makes me feel like I can make anything. She was teaching piano, so I tried calling Cam. He picked up and I let out this spurt of laughter and explanation that was so loud and fast and hysterical that he had to hang up until I got myself together.

I gave up and found Gray a fantastic pair of red sweats and a red collared shirt. Popped the collar, gave him some sunglasses and we were in business.

Last up, I had to get my costume together. Being that I was Christina Aguilera...who is quite...chesty, I donned tight black pants, a black shirt and, like any logical mother of twins, a teal corset from my lingerie drawer.

Let me remind you that I'm getting dressed for a Church function.

I put on all the jewelry I could handle and more makeup than I think I've ever worn. We got all loaded up and started to drive to the church.

You know in old horror movies where something dons on the main character and the background goes all fuzzy and their eyes get real big? Yep. Lived it.

So, we pull into the parking lot for the trunk or treat and I realize that we have been in young student married wards for so long that we didn't put together that we were in a real family ward now. As in, there are so many kids that the adults must not dress up anymore. [I was wrong about that, but all the adults that were in the parking lot were dressed in normal clothes. The dressed up ones were eating dinner inside.] Either way, in my head all I am seeing is kids dressed up and adults wearing street clothes and I AM WEARING A CORSET.

"Drive Cameron. DO NOT PARK. Drive. DRIVE!"

And it all came crashing down.

One street away, I totally lost it. Sobbing and freaking out about "WHY can't we be normal and just buy animal pajamas for our boys?! We look ridiculous! No one will recognize us, but even if we HAD money for animal pajamas, that wouldn't be right either because we're not animal pajama people! yada yada yada yada yada yada. sob. moan. cry. choke."

Clearly, I was stable.

Cameron somehow got me to laugh at myself. And the situation. And our conversation went a little like this:

Me: OK. I think I'm good. Let's go. I just want to see our friends anyway. Who cares what we're wearing?

C: I think that sounds great. I really want to go.

Me: K. Let's go.

C: Well, your face looks scary.

So we went home and I washed my face and re-applied the make up and grabbed some bottles for the boys. We ended up having a great time. I kept my coat on. We made the kids sing for their candy. It was a blast.

And we went home and watched some well-deserved White Collar. Because that's just how we roll.

When I finally got a hold of my mom she told me to tell Cameron "Never trust a woman in a corset."

Words to live by.

For real. The only picture I took that night. Nash a.k.a. Blake Shelton.

Our "the Voice" pumpkin. Which is almost too good looking to include in such a post.

{And don't worry, the pictures from our annual Halloween Party will show the rest of our costumes. Corset included.}


  1. Haha I love this post! You are so awesome for always making such an effort. I can't wait to see pics of the whole family, I bet they turned out so cute!

  2. Oh Oatay, you're my favorite. I love that gene mom gave us. I would have totally been sitting right next to you figuring out that silly baseball cap. I also hope you wear that red lipstick for your party:)

    Down side? Meltdown

    Plus side? You birthed twins less than a year ago and can still rock a corset.

    Love you:)

  3. Kristen, You are awesome! It's always comforting to know that "crazy town" has a much larger population than just me. I wish I could've been there that night.

  4. Can I tell you how much I love this post. I said pretty much the same thing to my husband about the animal costumes after one too many seam-ripper moments. I bet your boys made for adorable mini voice judges I can't wait to see pictures.

  5. Wow, I love this so, so, so much. I can't wait to see the picture of your corset, oh and the rest of the costumes... :)

  6. I think your pumpkin looks amazing!

  7. Yeah- Adam and I HATE Halloween as well. This is the first year we gave up on dressing up and unlike your ward we were the ONLY family not in costume :)

  8. Kristin, I love reading your are so funny...I just laughed out loud about the corset post. I read your blog every are so creative, funny and fun. Love, "Aunt" Diane

  9. So over the course of the last few months since I found out about your blog, I've discovered that you are like the queen of blogging!!! You do a really good job. I like the way you tell stories and everything is put together really well. This was a fun one to read. You are funny :)

  10. Ahhh, the "I can make anything" gene lives on strong in many of us and at Halloween makes a special appearance and becomes, "Bought costumes are a joke, I can make it better and cheaper on my own." At lease that's what happens here like two years ago when I tried to make the boys into dogs from their favorite book, Go Dog Go! I tried recovering two snap-front hats they already owned (and I loved but quickly ruined) with brightly colored felt, with the help of stitch witchery. After it went horribly, horribly wrong and included the ends of Steve's old dress socks sewn in as dog ears I tried to take it all apart with the help of Goo B Gone. The oily mess that that created along with the scent became well, memorable. I tried to salvage it as best I could, hats were striped of the felt, socks sewn in and dripping with oily, smelly Goo B Gone I added to it with Steve and I dressed as Napoleon and Deb complete with Steve wearing an enormous blonde afro and a light blue 70's suit. We showed up to the first Halloween party of the season, Norma's extended family, Family Home Evening Halloween Party. With close to 100 people present, we walked in to find that we, the nerdy, smelly dog family that their cousin and niece had placed a baby with were the only ones dressed up. We suddenly became much more memorable. Haha!

    For the last two years, at Halloween time, I have put the "I can make anything" gene to sleep, and with a sad and especially this year annoyed heart, bought Halloween costumes. I'm afraid I may let it out next year as the Incredible costumes were a sad cheap disappointment from Amazon and I swore many times while trying to fix them. Damnit, is thankfully a word my children have not said yet...yet!

  11. I laughed real hard during this - sorry :) but Jess is right, less than year old TWINS and you rocked a corset? RIght there is something to celebrate and flaunt :) Hopefully next year will go a little bit smoother for you guys ha