Wednesday, March 23, 2011

Happy, Table for 2

One of my favorite blogs posted this on Friday:

There’s a lot of happy coming up which makes waking up each morning very easy.

I hope you have much happy coming up, too.

My first thought was, I miss having much happy coming up. I remember what that felt like.

I have not been happy. I have not been trying very hard to see the "happy coming up." And waking up each morning has been anything but easy. If you asked me this morning, I would have denied ANY happy coming up. Some days its just harder to see.

I've thought a lot about this today and I've figured out that focusing on the happy that just happened helps me focus on the happy that's coming. Remember this? Well, I wrote it for a rainy day. Yesterday, it snowed. I'm thinkin' that counts.

Here's the issue.

I've been focusing on the fact that we can't have children right now.

I could spend all that energy focusing on the fact that my husband is the bomb. AND he has a love like woe. (<-- mostly, the music video just makes my typographical heart explode. Although, I'm thinkin' they meant "whoa" not "woe.")

I've been focusing on the fact that I STILL can't eat sugar.

I could spend that energy focusing on the great things that have happened to my body because I haven't eaten sugar for almost a whole year. (sugar = treats people. cakes, candy, cookies, etc.)

I've been focusing on not being home ever, loathing the childlessness because I would get to stay at home and be the wife (and mother) I really want to be.

I could (and should) be focusing on my stellar job that we are so blessed to have right now. I mean, really, I'm among the lucky few in the world (and in my graduating class) that is actually using her degree and being appreciated for my intelligence.

I've been focusing on our completely static savings account, and the feeling that we've been scrimping and saving and that number never goes up.

I should realize that it's pretty awesome that we have a savings account in the first place and have the ability to not live paycheck to paycheck or be in debt at this point in our lives.

And most of all, I've been focusing on the fact that we. are. still. in. Utah. augh. and it is still cold. and it snowed yesterday. and my feet haven't thawed out for about 6 months, unless I take a bath, after which they freeze right back up again.

However, I overlooked the fact that we are moving to TEXAS (eep!) not Iowa, the land of the -80 degree winters, in a little while. That is a large dose of happy coming up! Somehow in all my pessimistic stubbornness, I have insisted that Texas is too far away to look forward to. It's too far away to be excited about. It's too far away to be considered "coming up." But honestly, the only things that are too far away for me to be excited about are because I decide they  are.

I am so excited to be a mother. I really look forward to that. I'm grateful for the chance I have to prepare myself better for that holy responsibility.

I can't wait to move to Texas, but at the same time, we have some amazing friends here. There are moments when I can't wait to get out of town, but there are others when I am so sad to be leaving even if it's not happening right now because I know these people were sent to help us and make this stage of our lives a total blast.

I can't wait to buy a house when we move. I can't wait to be able to paint. I can't wait to have a yard and a garden and a dog and hopefully a baby for the nursery I've got all planned out in my head, but right now we have an incredible apartment. It is the least expensive, nicest, largest apartment in Orem/Provo, we are so lucky that things fell into place so we could move in.

So, if you've made it this far, congrats. I know that was a lot of rambling. But a wonderful friend of mine came over yesterday and put everything into perspective. This sweet lady is going through the nastyness that is infertility too, but she said something that really stuck with me.

Faith is a choice.

I asked C a couple days ago, amidst tears, what I was going to do with my life if we never had kids. Would I work the entire time?

C said of course not. You'll stay home with our babies, because we're going to have kids.

See the difference? I chose to be in despair. C chose to have faith.

I think I've been in this funk for long enough. It's time to snap out of it. C is generally a happy guy. I think it's time to make that choice for myself. Choose to be happy, choose to have faith, choose to keep the negativity out of my life.

It's about time that C got some company at the happy table.

Happy, table for 2. :)

So what happy is headed your way?



  1. Such a great post, Kristin. I love ya!!

  2. ugh... I'm right there with you on the winter blahs. Hence the Nook that is currently on it's way. Also, where in Texas are you moving to? Andy and I are on a countdown to Dallas! We're so excited to live somewhere where people are reasonable and pretty much shut down the city when winter weather occurs!!

  3. You just summed up my feelings about life right now. I'm gonna join the happy table too :) You guys are moving to Texas?! Cool!

  4. Oh, girl, I love it. I've thought every single one of those things, wanting more, it not coming. Great post. (And read the infertility article in the Ensign this month. It's great and helped me not feel so alone). Good luck, chica!

  5. you are so open about your feelings, i bet it feels good to express them. see, you hide it so well. we love it when you are at our happy table. we will miss you guys way too much! it will be lonely!
    choice is such an important part of our life here in earth. i even have many friends who choose to be negative with what hey have (kids, job, family, whatever) and i even have many times where i have to snap out of it and tell myself to choose to be happy because i have many blessings.
    love you!

  6. Go for happy. Life is good. Be happy, optimistic, and full of faith. That's really the only good option. There is so much to be happy about. Don't just fake happy for Cameron or for the world. Be happy for you. Everyone has a bad day occasionally, just make sure happiness and gratitude are the norm.

  7. This was EXACTLY what needed to hear today! Thank you

  8. You are so very eloquent, and as sad as it makes me to watch you hurt.. seeing you triumph is breathtaking, choosing happy is one of the most difficult things in the world, and well I can't think of anyone who is doing it more gracefully.. I love you big sister, and our gchat talks from the dishpit.

    Can't wait to come visit.


  9. thanks for this. we are starting the challenge of infertility round 2, nd sometimes it is hard to focus on choosing faith, but that is the only way through. And seeing the happy :)

    AND... Texas?!? How awesome!! We looooove Texas. What part are you moving to? Allen is awesome and we are getting in n out next month :)

  10. Thanks so much for posting! I needed this bad! You're awesome and I really admire you.

  11. We love having you in the ward and I think you are wonderful. Thanks for posting this. Sometimes we all just need to be reminded by honest and wonderful people like you that life is better than we let ourselves think. You're great! Thanks.

  12. Kristin,

    First of all, thank you for making my announcement worries disappear.

    Second of all, you are so incredibly talented in numerous ways!

    Third, thank you for sharing. I have had similar feelings in the past. Wanting more, wondering what I did to deserve the loneliness in life. And when you start having FAITH in God's plan for you, life starts happening. Maybe not the way you dream of it, but it happens and unfolds beautifully before you, better than you could have imagined it yourself. :) And from those experiences, I have learned to open my eyes and enjoy the beauty that continues to unfold. So thanks for reminding me again of how beautiful life is. You are awesome! :)

  13. You have a such a cute way of writing, even when you're struggling to feel happy. I loved the whole post, but especially the end about faith and the happy table. I struggle sometimes to be happy too sometimes, for different reasons, and I loved this post.