Whew!

Congrats if you made it through the past week on this blog. I've been quite the downer, eh?

I'm actually feeling a heck of a lot better. Cam and I have been taking some time for each other this week and it has been fabulous. Remember this? Well, it's finally under way! We're about a third of the way done with it, and we are thrilled to be up late working on it every night. There is something so fulfilling about working on a major project together. I wouldn't trade it for anything.

Also, things that ROCK:

1. The sun is shining today. I can see blue up in the sky. This is a big deal.


2. There is finally a countdown on the side of my blog for Cam's graduation. Woo! Less than 5 months baby!


3. It did not rain this morning, Cam got to wear his star wars shoes for the first time since we were in Arizona for Christmas. Also a big deal.


4. Freezer Cooking made me look like wife of the year a couple nights ago. Firecracker Chicken, Steamed Veggies & Lemon Dill Rice. And all I did was throw a bag in the rice cooker and dump the chicken in a baking dish. Yeah. That's a good day.


5. 13 days until this treatless year is over. We are going to the melting pot with some of our friends to celebrate. I'm gonna bet that I can handle about 3 bites of that fondue before my head is spinning. I'm also gonna bet that my spinning head will not stop me from continuing to enjoy myself.


6. Fabric for my quilt keeps pouring in. Notes of encouragement, perfect timing, inspired fabric choices. We are overwhelmed by the support we've been shown.


7. Parenthood is now going to be dealing with infertility. The episode made me sob. But it is so nice to see it portrayed in the media! It's been such a hush-hush topic for so long. The bottom line is that it is HARD. I'm glad word is getting out. I'm hoping that when more people understand infertility, insensitive comments won't happen quite so often. (Don't rain on my parade. Let me hope. I realize it won't be fixed overnight or from one episode, but progress is progress.)


8. Cam wore some seriously great jeans last night. While I was working on this, I looked up and he had his shirt off. I started laughing and asked him what he was doing. His response: "Oh, nothing. I was just bored." Love. That. Man.


9. Cam woke me up this morning by rubbing my legs. My mom used to wake me up that way in high school. My legs get really stiff at night. This is the BEST.


10. It is Thursday. Also known as Friday Eve.


11. Cam had to go to the dentist for some cavities. (Don't judge. We haven't had dental insurance for a looooong time. We're kind of digging ourselves out of a hole right now.) He texts me "so, so numb." I respond "Aw! Done already? Babe, I think today is a coldstone recovery day." His response "All done :) wow. Wish my lip looked as big as it feels. This is SO COOL!" His stubborn ability to be positive no matter what is so impressive to me. And it makes me laugh. He rocks.

Bottom line: the sun is shining. we're still smiling. cam's still playing with his fat frozen lip. the weekend is still coming. life is good.

Looking In

The following is a post I found on this blog. It describes beautifully how I often feel. What it fails to mention, though, is that I know I cannot enter the chateau alone. When I get to turn the key, I will have my baby in my arms, and my husband by my side. We will enter hand in hand. And every so often we will take a walk outside to bring our next little one in.

Posted on July 27, 2010 by Funny Little Pollywogs

There is a beautiful chateau in the middle of the woods.  As I approach it, I am smiling.  I can see the warm glow from within.  There’s a chill in the air and it is starting to rain, so the comforting glow is more than a little inviting.  I am drawn to the chateau.  Its magical and charming.  Maybe this time I’ll be allowed inside.  I feel the chill in the air deepen and there’s a familiar voice in my head telling me to turn around, that its not worth it.  But, if I don’t try to enter, I will never know what awaits for me inside.  Don’t misunderstand; I have seen what awaits me. It is glorious.   But, for some reason I am not allowed to enter.  I have looked through the glass and what I have seen keeps me coming back for just one more try.

There have even been times when I have found what I thought must be the key.  I usually stumble upon these keys after I have been searching for quite some time.  Just when I think that all hope is lost, a key will appear.  I think, “This is it!  This MUST be it!”  I usually run as quickly as I can to the chateau.  I have been waiting to enter for quite some time, for years in fact.  I run right up to the front door, I insert the key, my heart is so full of joy and hope that I feel as though it could pound right out of my chest.  ”This is it!”  I attempt to turn the key, but there is nothing.  Not a click left or right.  Nothing.

I sit down on the little bench outside of the window and I look in.  In these moments, when I was so close, when I’ve allowed myself to believe,  I feel most alone.  The rain is picking up and I am glad.  This way, they won’t see my tears.  I can see most of the women I know inside.  They are all there.  My best friends, my beloved family members, my colleagues, my neighbors, they are all inside.  I can watch them enjoy the warmth.  I am happy that they get to experience it, of course I am.  If I were jealous, that would be ugly of me, and I am not an ugly person.  I can observe the glow from afar but, for some reason, I have not been  granted entry.  I put my hand to the window as I sit and watch, all alone, tears rolling down my cheeks being met by raindrops.  ”Why am I not allowed inside?” I don’t understand.

Clearly they want me to enter.  Some of them come to the window and put their hands to mine, but we can’t really touch. For I am outside and they are in.   I see others holding back the tears in their eyes, trying to be strong for me.    And then, there are those who would trade places with me in heartbeat if they could.  But they cannot.  I am on the outside looking in.  I want to scream, to pound on the window and shake the door, but I can’t.  I just don’t have it in me.  My shoulders slump and I shake and sob.  For some unknown reason, I am not permitted to come inside, to experience what seems to be their given right.  It has become apart of who they are.  It is part of what defines them as women, yet I am forced to sit, and watch, and wonder, and wait.  Alone.



I tried to do my best to describe what it feels like for those of us who are patiently waiting to become mothers.  I hope I did it justice.    This was exactly where I was yesterday.  It’s a dark and lonely place to be.  Things are looking a little better today, I can see a tiny ray of sunshine trying to peek through the clouds.

I just thought this was beautiful. The sunshine is here for me today. We are so blessed. I'm so grateful I do not have to go through this alone. That we don't have to go through this alone.

Just in Time

I am deeply humbled today. I am grateful.

This weekend has been a rough one. I reached a new depth of sorrow that I didn't think was possible. Nothing really happened to cause it. Some days infertility gets the best of me. It turns me ugly. It causes thoughts and doubts and anger and hate, disbelief, pride, the list goes on.

I realized, this week, that I have been putting up one heck of a front. I constantly say "Oh, we're doing ok. There are good days and bad days, but you caught me on a good day." I constantly tell myself that it's not that bad. That things could be worse. That I am stronger than this.

But sometimes I just need to feel.

We are mourning the loss of someone that, in the eyes of others, never was and could possibly never be.  I completely understand why people are afraid to say anything to me sometimes. I wouldn't know what to say to me either. I understand.

I sat through sacrament meeting today with my head down. Tears rolled off my cheeks and made dark spots on my red dress. I choked through a few words of the opening song. I kept silent through the rest of it. I sat and cried through the opening speaker who talked in detail about how the strongest time she's felt the calming power of the holy ghost was during her pregnancy, emergency c-section, and first few days of her new daughter's life. I kept my head down and tried to avoid eye contact with this sister when she left the chapel to get a drink.

I whispered to Cam when the next speaker mentioned a lesson we had on fasting a few weeks ago. The men had a great lesson on the importance of fasting and the closeness we receive from our Heavenly Father. I remember that lesson, but a lot differently. The men and women meet separately in the 3rd hour of our church. The men had that great lesson. Us women had a lesson on fasting that was completely focused on what we can do, as women, when we can't fast because we are pregnant or breastfeeding.

Cam looked at me like I needed an attitude adjustment.

Let's be honest. I did.

But I said, "At least I'm here."

I sat and felt Cam's arm around me, my hands in his strong hands, and I felt lucky. I had gathered myself, and the tears had stopped.

Sacrament meeting ended and a sweet, wonderful friend of mine came to talk to me.

I had texted her earlier this morning asking if she wouldn't mind teaching the 7-year-olds for me. I had agreed to teach during one of my extremely convincing fronts of "we're doing just fine. today is a good day."

She was already teaching another class so she couldn't help me out, but asked if there was anything else she could do. I left it at that.

She knelt down by my pew and asked me if I had found anyone else to teach.

I said no.

She put her hand on my knee and asked me if it would be OK for her husband to teach so that I could go home.

And tears of gratitude poured forth as this beautiful, kind woman was able to see exactly what I needed when I was going to stubbornly put myself through more pain than I could handle this weekend. She rubbed my back and I managed to get out a quiet "thank you."

Cam gave me a hug, an I love you, and the keys to our apartment.

And I walked home with tears streaming down my face.

The tears this time were very different, though. I was so thankful. and humbled.

For the first time since we found out about our infertility, I found anger with my Heavenly Father. Surely we have suffered enough through all this. I felt forgotten. I felt angry. I hated Him for creating our bodies this way. I hated Him for blessing every single one of my friends and neighbors with the one thing that we desperately want. And I hated Him for giving me too much to handle. For breaking me down this way.

And then I listened.

I am not forgotten. My God, My Heavenly Father, sent an angel to save me from myself today. He loves me so much that He is giving me this refiners fire to bring me closer to Him. It gets harder when He needs me closer to Him. When I feel like I can't do it anymore, He steps in and lets me know that He is there. That He will never leave me and that He has given me everything that I need in order to come off conqueror.

And what a blessed day that will be.

I am so grateful to that sweet friend for being close enough to the spirit to follow the prompting to help anyway. For not being afraid to give me what I need even when I deny needing any help at all.

I am not strong.

My God is strong.

He is my strength.

Everything that I do, I do through Him. For without Him, I would have given up completely many, many times.

My God loves me. He loves me enough to give me a husband that lives his life in a way that make God's hand so easy to see.

He knows what I need.

What I have thought I needed is wrong. He knows me and loves me and only has my best interests at heart.

I trust Him.

We trust Him.

For the first time in a long time, I can honestly say "Everything is going to be OK." And believe it with every bit of me. For the first time I don't care what OK means, because my Heavenly Father will protect me. He is all-powerful and wants nothing more than us to have the greatest joy. I know that now. If this trial is necessary for me to experience joy, then I will be ever grateful for a Heavenly Father who loves us enough to watch us go through this deep pain.

It takes a special kind of parent to do that.

It takes a perfect parent.

When I got home, I noticed a pink envelope on the ottoman. I don't know how I missed it yesterday, but I opened it and inside was another piece of fabric for our little one's blanket. Along with the sweetest note. One for baby call, one for me.

Each of the 3 pieces of fabric I have received so far have come at such moments of weakness.

I have been surrounded and buoyed up by angels.

How could I ever doubt my Heavenly Father's love for me?

His love is everywhere.

[slideshow]

Clif Bars = Magic

Last weekend, Cam and I (and Kiara and Sam) went down to Moab for the Canyonlands Half Marathon. The twinners ran, the significant others supported. Perfect balance if you ask me.

We drove down Friday afternoon and went to the race check in. Cam and Kiara picked up their swag bags, bib numbers, and timing chips and Sam and I discovered the beauty that is the Clif Bar booth. This was my favorite place. I probably had 2 full clif bars if you combined all the samples I had. Consensus: Blueberry Crisp was my all time fave, followed closely by the Crunchy Macadamia Nut bar. Strike that, reverse it. Ah! Actually I just don't know. They are SO good! I have since checked every store we've gone into for both single bars and/or boxes of these flavors and I can't find them anywhere. Perhaps online it is. Amazon, perhaps? (free gift cards?)

Anyhow, the Calls really represented.

[caption id="attachment_1433" align="aligncenter" width="500" caption="Cam's the really cute, tall one in the white."][/caption]

[caption id="attachment_1434" align="aligncenter" width="500" caption="Almost at the finish! "][/caption]

[caption id="attachment_1435" align="aligncenter" width="500" caption="woot! :) "][/caption]

[caption id="attachment_1436" align="aligncenter" width="500" caption="Post race, with running buddy cousin, Nicole"][/caption]

[caption id="attachment_1437" align="aligncenter" width="500" caption="enjoying the "best recovery drink ever" He swears by it. And the race provided it, so it must be at least partly true. "][/caption]

[caption id="attachment_1438" align="aligncenter" width="500" caption="4089 is my man! (They got their bib numbers AT the race this time, so I didn't have time to make a t-shirt.)"][/caption]

[caption id="attachment_1439" align="aligncenter" width="500" caption="Sweat lines. He's a hard workin' man! :) And I love that he always brings another shirt to wear so I can hug him without squelching after the race."][/caption]

[caption id="attachment_1443" align="aligncenter" width="500" caption="Kiara (blue shorts) and cousin Lyndee headed for the finish!"][/caption]

[caption id="attachment_1441" align="aligncenter" width="500" caption="The runners :) "][/caption]

[caption id="attachment_1442" align="aligncenter" width="500" caption="For your viewing pleasure: Kiara and Sam"][/caption]

I'm 100% blown away by the people who run races like this. I'm currently "training" for a 5k. That's all I've got in me right now, lol. And actually I blew off my workout on Tuesday, so I don't exactly know what to think. (I've only been "training" for a week.) The dedication and motivation it takes to finish a race like this is incredible. Love you babe! And way to go all you other runners who I'm somehow connected to!

And major perk of the post-race hoopla at the finish line, the Clif bar booth was up and running and full of samples. :) Gotta love that macadamia nut crunch, erm, blueberry crisp, uhh. Just buy them both!

Happy, Table for 2

One of my favorite blogs posted this on Friday:

There’s a lot of happy coming up which makes waking up each morning very easy.

I hope you have much happy coming up, too.

My first thought was, I miss having much happy coming up. I remember what that felt like.

I have not been happy. I have not been trying very hard to see the "happy coming up." And waking up each morning has been anything but easy. If you asked me this morning, I would have denied ANY happy coming up. Some days its just harder to see.

I've thought a lot about this today and I've figured out that focusing on the happy that just happened helps me focus on the happy that's coming. Remember this? Well, I wrote it for a rainy day. Yesterday, it snowed. I'm thinkin' that counts.

Here's the issue.

I've been focusing on the fact that we can't have children right now.

I could spend all that energy focusing on the fact that my husband is the bomb. AND he has a love like woe. (<-- mostly, the music video just makes my typographical heart explode. Although, I'm thinkin' they meant "whoa" not "woe.")

I've been focusing on the fact that I STILL can't eat sugar.

I could spend that energy focusing on the great things that have happened to my body because I haven't eaten sugar for almost a whole year. (sugar = treats people. cakes, candy, cookies, etc.)

I've been focusing on not being home ever, loathing the childlessness because I would get to stay at home and be the wife (and mother) I really want to be.

I could (and should) be focusing on my stellar job that we are so blessed to have right now. I mean, really, I'm among the lucky few in the world (and in my graduating class) that is actually using her degree and being appreciated for my intelligence.

I've been focusing on our completely static savings account, and the feeling that we've been scrimping and saving and that number never goes up.

I should realize that it's pretty awesome that we have a savings account in the first place and have the ability to not live paycheck to paycheck or be in debt at this point in our lives.

And most of all, I've been focusing on the fact that we. are. still. in. Utah. augh. and it is still cold. and it snowed yesterday. and my feet haven't thawed out for about 6 months, unless I take a bath, after which they freeze right back up again.

However, I overlooked the fact that we are moving to TEXAS (eep!) not Iowa, the land of the -80 degree winters, in a little while. That is a large dose of happy coming up! Somehow in all my pessimistic stubbornness, I have insisted that Texas is too far away to look forward to. It's too far away to be excited about. It's too far away to be considered "coming up." But honestly, the only things that are too far away for me to be excited about are because I decide they  are.

I am so excited to be a mother. I really look forward to that. I'm grateful for the chance I have to prepare myself better for that holy responsibility.

I can't wait to move to Texas, but at the same time, we have some amazing friends here. There are moments when I can't wait to get out of town, but there are others when I am so sad to be leaving even if it's not happening right now because I know these people were sent to help us and make this stage of our lives a total blast.

I can't wait to buy a house when we move. I can't wait to be able to paint. I can't wait to have a yard and a garden and a dog and hopefully a baby for the nursery I've got all planned out in my head, but right now we have an incredible apartment. It is the least expensive, nicest, largest apartment in Orem/Provo, we are so lucky that things fell into place so we could move in.

So, if you've made it this far, congrats. I know that was a lot of rambling. But a wonderful friend of mine came over yesterday and put everything into perspective. This sweet lady is going through the nastyness that is infertility too, but she said something that really stuck with me.

Faith is a choice.

I asked C a couple days ago, amidst tears, what I was going to do with my life if we never had kids. Would I work the entire time?

C said of course not. You'll stay home with our babies, because we're going to have kids.

See the difference? I chose to be in despair. C chose to have faith.

I think I've been in this funk for long enough. It's time to snap out of it. C is generally a happy guy. I think it's time to make that choice for myself. Choose to be happy, choose to have faith, choose to keep the negativity out of my life.

It's about time that C got some company at the happy table.

Happy, table for 2. :)

So what happy is headed your way?

 

We Take March Madness Seriously. (For Real.)

It is March. In our house March is better than Christmas. Buzzer beaters to send the game into overtime. Two teams you've never heard of going head to head. Seriously great basketball. Upset after upset.

We love it.

We live for this. (I realize that sounds intense, but no...I'm not exaggerating.) :)

idea from here.

Love Notes

It's high time I posted something created with my silhouette! I made this candy jar mailbox back in February and left it for C to find. There was a note on the top of it that explained:

"There's only one rule. To take the note inside, you must replace it with one of your own!"

It was intended to be a Valentine's Day decoration, but we won't be putting it away any time soon!

I designed it in Silhouette Studio, cut it out on contact paper (SO MUCH CHEAPER THAN VINYL OR TRANSFER PAPER!) with the silhouette, adhered the contact paper to the candy jar and etched it with armouretch for about 3 minutes. The design says "C + K, Post Office Department, What I Like About You Division"

The love notes that come out of this baby are stellar. :) I highly recommend trying something like this out!

Alone

Cam took me out to Karaoke Night at Guru's tonight with our friends the Heldts. (love them!) We'd never done karaoke before at an actual place- meaning not in the living room in front of the wii. It was nerve-wrecking but SO FUN!

Our awesome friend Bethany snapped a picture with my cell phone and then had the stroke of brilliance to record it on video. The sound quality isn't the best (it was LOUD in there!), but it was a total blast! Cam was awesome and solicited a whole lot of whistles/cat calls when he soloed in the second verse. That's my man!

Here's the video for your viewing pleasure. :) There's an 8-measure musical interlude at 1:08. We didn't know what to do, so we decided to please the kids in the back. lol. We'll be going back for sure!

Windows

Last night was delicious. C surprised me at the car after work. He was supposed to be in Salt Lake in economics class. Apparently traffic was terrible on the way up and they weren't going to make it on time. He was leaning up against the car just waiting for me to walk outside. It was as warm as it's been in months and I got a taste of springtime. Unexpectedly seeing C makes my heart freak out. I hope it stays that way for a very long time.

He gave me a kiss that probably embarrassed the people around us, opened my door for me, and drove me home.

I made barbecue chicken salad with pineapple, chow mein noodles, corn, and bell peppers. C had rootbeer and I had water, in goblets from our wedding. While I made dinner (in my slacks and pumps from work), C played me love songs on the piano. Right when dinner was ready and I was just pulling some biscuits out of the oven, C came up behind me and hugged me, smelled my hair, and gave me a kiss on the cheek.

There are times when I am worried about bringing a child into our home. The world is such a scary and dark place. There is evil all around us. And then, nights like this remind me, there is so much good and love and beauty, too.

Life is crazy. There are fights. There are too many things to get done and never enough time to do it all.

And so, I wondered, while I was making dinner, if someone looking through our window would see the laundry basket full of clothes sitting on the table, the smudges on the window itself, the wife cooking alone, the husband playing the piano, the wife's clothes getting flour on them because she's not wearing an apron, the disaster in the next room, the vast array of imperfection so easy to point out. Or I wonder if that same person would see a man and a woman so absolutely enamored with each other that service comes easy. That the daily chores will get done, probably together, and that sometimes a quick meal and a long kiss balance each other out. That love is silly and fun. That a meal at home can be just as romantic, even without candles or music or chocolate-dipped strawberries.

And then I started thinking about the other "windows" I've looked in. How often have I judged others, including C, without knowing the whole story? What could look like one thing is probably something else. And the something else is probably so much better than our first thought.

And then I sat down to dinner with my gorgeous man and we held hands under the table. And we prayed. And my heart overflowed with love for a man who knows what I know. And a Heavenly Father who thought I was good enough to be blessed with such a husband.

I write this today, because the bad days are sure to come. Hopefully, on one of those bad days, I'll be able to read this and realize just how good I've got it, and how good the world really is.

Even if it doesn't seem like it on first glance.