Focus

At heart, I am an old-fashioned girl. I dream of a world where my little family is the only thing on my mind. Where I don't jump on Facebook for a minute, only to realize naptime is over and I haven't accomplished one little thing on my list. I dream of healthy meals, a clean house, a lunch packed for my husband, love in our home, little feet running down the halls as we play cowboys and indians, masking tape race tracks down the stairs, and a whole pantry full of fresh canned fruits and vegetables. I dream of big breakfasts, Christmas mornings, and laundry out on the line. I dream of a world where walking to school is still OK because you don't have any creepers in your town. A world where there isn't total garbage on the TV.

I couldn't fall asleep tonight. So I picked up the book on my mother-in-law's nightstand and started reading. It's called Daughters in my Kingdom. And this quote stood out to me. It practically jumped off the page. I had to wake Cam up, and we talked about what I needed to do.

"The average woman today, I believe, would do well to appraise her interests, evaluate the activities in which she is engaged, and then take steps to simplify her life, putting things of first importance first, placing emphasis where the rewards will be greatest and most enduring, and ridding herself of the less rewarding activities." -Sister Belle S. Spafford

Truth is, I have design work coming out my ears right now. I have a waiting list that just keeps getting longer. I've spent a great deal of time working on my new website/blog in order to streamline these orders. I know that once I launch it, I will probably have more business than ever. [That is meant to be realistic, not cocky.] But this is not a good thing. I really enjoy designing, don't get me wrong. I LOVE IT. It is so fun for me to have a creative outlet, but my clientele has gotten so far out of hand. I have a hard time saying no to design requests because each project sounds so FUN. But then I bite off more than I can chew, I stress, I'm mad that my focus and talents are not being used to better my family first and foremost and dang it, I REFUSE to miss a single day of living my boys' childhood. They deserve an undistracted mama. It's not that they need more time from me. They sleep a lot. I get a lot done. When they are awake, I am most always talking to them, teaching them about the world around us. This morning, they sat in bouncer chairs looking out the back doors. I sat against the door facing them and ate my breakfast and talked to them about the bunnies and birds and flowers and trees. I took in their details. I loved it. They sit on the counter with me while I make dinner. Gray is so close to rolling over and I heard Nash's belly laugh for the first time tonight

It's not that they need more of my time. They need more of my focus. My creativity should be centered around how to encourage imagination in these boys. How to make them fearless in this world. How to help them be strong. I should be focused on being spiritually centered so I can recognize when my husband needs me, and how I can help him best. I should be finding joy in reading good books, learning new skills, experiencing the world with my 3 men instead of being glued to the screen and then being so tired from working all day that once Cam comes home all we can do is watch TV ON A SCREEN. Heaven forbid we play a card game.

Also, could there be a worse distraction than Facebook?! ugh! It kills me. And yet, I love talking and joking around with my siblings. I love sharing tidbits of my marriage. I love showing off the boys a little bit (what parent doesn't?). Don't you worry, the blog isn't going anywhere. I keep so many details of our little family in these posts that I don't record anywhere else. It is so easy for me to just jot down my thoughts super quick. I love that I can include the pictures and journaling all in one space. And I really do feel like I can say anything I want to. But I have got to figure something out for Facebook. How do you keep from "hiding your light under a bushel" so to speak, without distracting from the most important things?

I have enjoyed rekindling old friendships from high school on Facebook. There are people I have learned so much from on there. I wish I could just filter content. I don't know. Maybe I need to clean out my friends? I need your advice, straight up.

My heart aches for a balance I don't have.